My Promise

I guess our love was not meant to last

but as I lay here dying,

I’m wondering,

What went wrong?

It’s too late to ponder now,

I can’t destroy what I had just begun.

My knife is sinking slower,

softer and deeper.

To pull it out would only show

cowardice, worthlessness,

and the defeat that you gave to me.

I can still see your eyes,

not as clearly now,

but I still see them.

I remember the way you looked at me

and you said you would love me forever

until the day you die.

I gave you my word that I would do the same.

Here I am,

true to my promise.

I still love you.

I can still feel your touch,

it's colder now that my life is leaving.

You held me so tight

I wish you had never let go,

and maybe our love wouldn’t have been lost.

Your lips with such a soft touch,

placed against mine.

For once, I felt like

maybe life truly was worth living.

I can still remember all our memories

the days went by so fast,

you’d think I’d forget,

but no.

I would never.

Now that I think back,

my last thoughts, my dying thoughts.

Why did I ever let you go?

If I could,

I guess I would,

go back to that very day

and erase whatever I said,

and felt.

Maybe then we’d still be together,

I’d still have everything I want,

everything I need.

There’s so many things

that I left unsaid when you left,

when I left.

I want to tell you

I’m sorry.

I want to tell you

take me back,

I didn’t mean my harsh words.

But the past is the past

and those things I can’t mend.

Just like this knife I have

embedded in my arm,

sinking slower.

You may not remember your promise

that you would love me forever

until the day of your death.

I still remember mine,

I still love you.

Today is the day that I die.

I look at all these lies I’ve made in blood across my arm.

I’m surprised I’ve come this far, so long, without you knowing my truth.

I look at this weapon I’ve learned to wield,

And now I see how powerful I really am.

I can cause pain with just a little flick,

To fill myself with a numb, drunk feeling.

Not quite happy, but I’m not so angry with myself anymore.

Tears of water I cry no longer,

But instead have become tears of blood.

Deep, red, flowing droplets

Pouring out of every single stroke.

I have no shame,

What shame is there to feel?

Nobody attempts to stop me

And I bleed right in front of your eyes.

I bleed to a crowd of many,

And watch you do,

Without a noise, without a care in the world,

About what I do to myself.

You care about me

No more than you care about that speck of dust,

And maybe sometimes I care too much

Of how you care about me.

And maybe sometimes I care too little,

Causing you to become overcome with anger,

Madness, a disease,

And you force my crimson drops.

Three Little Things
Dedicated to _______

I’ve told you everything
About me,
And I know all about you.
Well, maybe not everything
There’s this one thing.
I want to tell you,
I want to tell you.

But if I lose you,
There’s no point in living anymore.
I just want to hug you
And hug you forever.
Hear you say three sweet words
And the world will never be wrong again,
And maybe for once I’ll be okay.

For once
I can say, I love this shit,
And not be lying to you, or to me. Without you here with me,
As my friend.
I guess there would be no point
Left in living,
Because I have nothing to live for.
I just wish I could tell you,
Three little words…

i cry no more tears
i bleed no longer
and pills don't inhabite my body.

i've grown out of this depression
out of this cutting
out of this purging.

i'm still so angry,
so psychotic,
so hurt.

but now,
i guess i could say i'm happy.
happy for what?
you ask.

i don't know,
anything,
everything
random things i see.

if you ask me
i've just uncovered a darker part of myself.
i could say maybe this is me.

---

if you told me
it would end up like this,
i would never had asked.
i would never had glanced.
i wouldn't have wasted my time.

now i look back,
i see,
you're not a part of me,
never been,
never will be.

what did i ever see in you
how could i be so blind
to this despicable person you are.

i guess it's just you
but finally someone took away my shades
and stripped you of your mask.

and i see that you're just a liar.

---

Dear Willie

Dear Willie,
Do you remember?
Do you remember that one morning?
You and Sarah had a sleepover,
Max and I came over.
That morning,
That morning we kissed.
I guess,
I guess I could say I had been loving you,
For a while now.
The very same day,
I went to LA,
Hugging my Mr. Monkey
That you sprayed with cologne.
I could feel you,
Smell you there next to me.
Sometimes I still hug Mr. Monkey
And try to smell him,
But your scent is gone.
I remember,
I remember you asked me to be yours
That one day while I was in LA.
I think it was a Thursday,
I'm not really sure.
With bliss in my heart
I obviously said yes.

Do you remember?
Do you remember that dance several weeks after?
You were the only one I saw,
The only guy I held.
I remember
I remember clearly.
You kissed me,
I kissed you.
You promised me forever
And I promised you my heart.
I still remember
I still remember
The weeks we spent were just bliss.
Then that day
That day so bleak,
So dark, so dead
Came along and swept us both away.

But I still remember
Do you still remember?
I cried so many nights,
So many tears for you,
Hoping you, my prince charming,
Would come back for me.
Whether you felt the same way
I'll never know.
Whether you cried for me,
I'll never see.
But there's one thing I know,
For sure, for real.
I haven't stopped loving you.

these lies you told me,
you told me you would never.
now, with this friendship i wish of you,
i don't know what to think.

what will be true?
what will be lies?
what will everything mean?

i hear people talking
they told me when we were together
that you made up so many lies before.
now, i don't know what to believe.

but when i think of it
how much of our relationship was lies?
what did you lead me to believe?
now you've got me so confused,
and this time i'm not the reason why.